Martial Arts Humor

 10.     You instructor has a Grandmasters Certificate. In Crayon.

 9.      The Senior Assistant Instructor is a 4 year old black belt.

 8.      The sign in the window says the school trains in more than 
	 10 martial arts.

 7.      Its a Korean art. {g}  

 6.      Your instructor tries to sell you Amway products.

 5.      While examining the schools tournament trophies, you find 
	 3 for spelling bees.

 4.      Reading the contract for the school is considered a kata 
	 (and a long one at that).

 3.      No one sweats.

 2.      While at a tournament, your opponent finds out who your 
	 teacher is and high-fives his teacher.

 1.      When paying for your belt examinations, the instructor asks:
         "Do you want fries with that?" 

 13> Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.
 
 12> First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling
     into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
 
 11> Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his
     spilled pocket protector.
 
 10> The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars"
     are just slices of old cheese.
 
  9> The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
 
  8> The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of
     the Three Stooges.
 
  7> Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop
     quizzes" in dark alleys.
 
  6> Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.
 
  5> Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to
     end.
 
  4> Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does 
     not exist in this dojo!"
 
  3> You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying 
     to tie your belt on.
 
  2> Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the
     neighbors when he moved in.
 
 
             and the Number 1 Sign You've 
         Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...
 
 
  1> Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a 
     can of whoop-ass" on someone?
 
 
 
 [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
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 When people say..                        They really mean...
  ------------------------------------------------------------
  Japanese martial arts are                 I practice a Japanese martial
  the best.                                 art.

  This art is thousands of                  This style is decades old.
  years old.

  The martial arts are about                The martial arts are about
  building better people.                   sweat, bruises and money.

  Chinese martial arts are                  I practice a Chinese martial
  the best.                                 art.

  High kicks are stupid.                    I can't do high kicks.

  Sparring is extremely important.          I'm good at fighting and I like
                                            it and I can't do much of
                                            anything else.

  The martial arts are about                The martial arts are about
  building better people.                   beating people up if they
                                            lay a finger on you.

  Korean martial arts are the best.         I practice a Korean martial
                                            art.

  Breaking techniques are very              We do a lot of breaking
  important.                                techniques.

  I don't believe in grades.                Nobody ever gave me a high
                                            grade.

  The martial arts are about                Like me.
  building better evolved
  characters.

  Filipino martial arts are the             I practice a Filipino
   best.                                     martial art.

  Sophisticated arts like Tai Chi           Sparring frightens me.
  and Aikido are far superior.

  He's a good martial arts teacher.         He's in my organization.

  He's a lousy martial arts teacher.        He used to be in my
                                            organization but he broke
                                            away and I don't get any
                                            money out of him anymore.

  My style is the best.                     I don't know anything about
                                            any other styles.

  Grades are not important.                 There's a grading coming up
                                            and it's important.

  Breaking techniques are useless.          I can't do breaking techniques.

  I'm an innovative, free-                  I'm more interested in teaching
  thinking, modern Western martial          than learning; and the
  arts teacher, doing my own non-           Orientals ignore me because
  classical thing.                          they know how ignorant I am.

  Martial arts politics are the             I belong to a large, well-
  necessary result of official              established organization.
  recognition by respectable
  associations to protect the public.

  I hate martial arts politics.             None of the large, well-
                                            established organizations
                                            recognize me or have the
                                            slightest interest in my
                                            existence.

  In this system, we make the art           In this system, we make the
  fit the person.                           person fit the art.

  Competitions are a waste of time.         I never won any competitions.

  Forms or kata are the highest             I read that somewhere -- and
  expression of the inner essence           I've had enough of tournaments.
  of the martial arts.

  Forms or kata are useless.                Bruce Lee said forms are
                                            useless and this relieves me of
                                            a lot of effort, so go argue
                                            with him.

  One style is not better than              Don't go to another school --
  another -- it's the individual            it's the style we teach here
  that counts.                              that counts.

  The techniques aren't important.          The techniques are important.

  The principles are important.             I wouldn't know what else to
                                            do with the principles so it's
                                            the techniques that are
                                            important.
  
  Bruce Lee didn't know what                I don't know what Bruce Lee
  he was talking about.                     was talking about.

  Size and strength are not                 Size and strength are
  important.                                important, especially if
                                            you're fighting somebody
                                            who's bigger and stronger
                                            than you are.

  Science and leverage will always          Except when he's bigger and
  win out over bruce force.                 stronger than you are.

  The purpose of the martial arts           I'm so humble and wise, it's
  is spiritual development and              terrific.
  liberation from the ego.

* you say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice pants, but I don't think
I can kick in them."

* when you want to say "I'm sorry" and involuntarily bow.

* you go to the shoe store to try on shoes.

* Instead of walking or jogging around the store, you practice pivoting,
sweeps, stances and kicks.

* You check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently hard striking surface and
whether it protects the toes well

* and lastly, you don't even care if (and they probably are) the other
patrons are looking at you funny. (That's the big clue)

* Now when every time you pass a wall you start to wonder:'Is that
structural or drywall?' THEN you know you've gone overboard.

* When you hit your head on a low doorway or ceiling and kick it in anger
and _damage_ it.

* "GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe goes on top...."

* "What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around and flailing my
arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."

*  when you're practicing your arm blocks while driving down the highway,
notice someone in another car staring at you, and suddenly turn your block
into vigorously fanning away an imaginary fly

* when you use various strikes to turn lights off and on;

* don your clothing with kicks, thrusts, and punches

* open and close doors with spinning kicks

* find yourself idly doing iaido and kenjitsu moves with the plastic knives
at the fast food place

* can't walk by anybody else from your school without casually exchanging a
flurry of mock strikes and kicks

* haven't gotten over the phase of seeing everybody walking around with a
blanket of little red cross-hairs on all their vital spots

* leap to your feet and shriek with indignation while watching "Kung Fu",
"Walker, Texas Ranger", and "Highlander" at home

* deliberately go to see martial arts movies in the theater so you can leap
to your feet and shriek with indignation during the movie, out in the
parking lot, and with all your friends the next time you're at class

* find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in miniature with your pencil
during dull meetings

* try to backfist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator,
based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough
to see it

* notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your
pockets

* tend to keep at least one flavour of martial arts weapon close at hand by
your bed when you sleep

* buy shoes either because they're particularly flexible or have steel toes

* have at least one fantasy where you are a martial arts hero and end the
fight by saying something *so* cool that you make Arnold Shwarzenegger and
Clint Eastwood look like nervous chatterboxes

* have begun to master the reflex to commit a very messy homicide when,
directly after someone finds out you practice martial arts, they immediately
ask "Are you a Black Belt ???"

* Urge to bow every time I enter or leave a room? Uh, not anymore,
thankfully.

* I used to accidentally call one of my favorite professors 'sensei' with
fair regularity, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying 'hai!' instead of
'yes!'.

* When standing in line you find yourself practicing some stance from your
art

* When you bow going into and out of the bathroom

* When you don't use any tools while splitting firewood.

* When you are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.

* Whenever you see some wood or concrete, even things like stools or
tables, and get excited while you picture just how you would go about
breaking it. Then you get funny looks as you feel it and give it a look of
hard concentration, then maybe measure off a few times.

Aikido:

A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.

Arnis:

"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

Bo:

A stick.

Bokken:

A stick that looks like a sword.

Buddhism:

A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.

Chi:

A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.

Dan:

A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.

Darn:

The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.

Dojo:

"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.

Hakama:

A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.

Iaido:

"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".

Judo:

"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

Jujitsu:

A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate:

"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata:

A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

Katana:

A sharp metal stick.

Kendo:

A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??

Kuk Sool Won:

A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive.

Kung fu:

A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

Master:

A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

Naginata:

A stick with a sharp bit on the end.

Ninja:

A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

Ninjutsu:

The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Sparring:

Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

Tae kwon do:

An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai chi chuan:

Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Tatami:

"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.

Three sectional staff:

Three sticks linked together.

Zen:

The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.

10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.

 9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.

 8) Never run out of kindling wood again.

 7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.

 6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.

 5) These uniforms make nice pajamas.

 4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.

 3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.

 2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages.

And the top reason for studying martial arts:

 1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. /
    Three words:  free nose job.

1. You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.

2. You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.

3. You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.

4. You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.

5. You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis.

6. You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.

7. You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.

8. You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.

9. You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.

10. You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.

I don't know if you've heard of this but here goes.

Iron Crotch Kung Fu ( I swear I heard this on TV during a demonstration of Kung Fu)

1. Find a large heavy rock
2. Place rock on a near by wall
3. Tie a leather thong (rope) securely around the rock
4. Tie the other end of the rope around your scrotum
5. Assume a horse riding stance and walk backwards pulling the rock off the wall and let swing

The scary thing here is that this is a true thing---this sort of thing used to be one of the "tests" given by the Shaolin priests to gauge your chi.

Yipe.

Personally, I think what it REALLY was had to do with the fact that the older priests were tired of having to deal with the high testosterone levels of the younger initiates, so they devised this "test". After doing that a couple of times, testosterone is something your body simply won't produce anymore. Ta-da! Instant serene monk, without that pesky testosterone-based macho attitude.

Ow.

It's supposed to show your would-be attacker that you are impervious to pain. This is definately the case but I'm not sure how practical this would be in a fight. It also shows your attacker you are as thick as a plank.

Strong, tough---and not much for brains. :)